Vic Chesnutt was a songwriter that I’ve liked for some time, but kept an appreciative distance from.  His songs have always made me uncomfortable.  What joy there is in them feels like a thread grasped then yanked away, and his voice often has an earnestly desperate quality that’s draining when you spend too much time with it.

When I found out that he killed himself today, I was surprised but not shocked.  He’s had an almost absurdly difficult life: paralyzed at a young age, family mostly dead by the time he turned 25, mounting medical bills from living as a disabled person in a country with 150 million people who could honestly give a fuck about other people’s health problems.  Right now, I’m bitter about it, and I feel a little bit like Chesnutt was chewed up and spit out.  I’m not sure who to be angry at, and maybe there’s a little bit of it reserved for the man himself.  That reaction is always tempting in this situation.

That said, I think it’s an ultimately foolish perspective.  This is a bit of a cliche, but depression is a disease.  It’s something that nags at you with a persistence that’s startling at times, and it creates its own kind of reason: the good things that you will inevitably experience by staying alive seem distant and vague, and the relief that would likely come from non-existence is very alive and present.  (Those who downplay the sway it can hold don’t know what they’re talking about.)

I can’t think of anyone outside of maybe David Foster Wallace (another recent victim of the “kill yourself” urge) who documented the experience of the depressed person more accurately and completely.  I’m beginning to think that maybe it’s a gestalt that’s best left unexplored, if possible; maybe it’s better to medicate away these kind of problems, even if the smoothing out of one’s mental quirks results in someone less susceptible to the sublime, transcendent and darkly beautiful.  I don’t know if great art is worth personal destruction. North Star Deserter (2007) is maybe one of my favorite albums, but I’d gladly unhear it right now.

Here’s a couple of his songs, though. The first three feature (I believe) A Silver Mt. Zion and Guy Piccioto from Fugazi.  The third video features a hilarious introduction from Vic, which put me in a slightly better mood.